Where Shopping is a Pleasure

There is a homeless man at my Publix.

Don't get me wrong, he doesn't live there. There aren't any signs of habitation outside, but it seems to be a favorite hang-out spot of his.

I first encountered said homeless man--to make things a little easier, let's call him Hank-- I first encountered Hank as I was running into Publix before a fraternity semi-formal. My legs were shaved, I was wearing heels, I'd donned a dress, and had painstakingly applied my make-up for the occasion.

But more importantly, I had curled my hair.

It was about 6:00 p.m. when I made it to Publix's automatic doors and saw Hank sitting there in what was either a wheelchair or stolen electronic shopping cart that had bags hanging from it. My bet was on shopping cart; I hadn't ever seen a wheelchair quite that design. His scraggly gray hair hung past his chin and even from a distance it was clear that he was unwashed.

My heels clicked against the pavement in a frenzied clip-clop. I was running very late, but still needed to grab a snack since chances were my finicky tastes wouldn't be allowing me to eat anything there.

Hank's voice stopped me. "Ah like yer hay-ur."

I looked at him curiously. "Thank you?" I had a tendency to be awkwardly polite even when cheering for my school's football team. I hurried inside and away, and exited through the other doors.

I had several other encounters with Hank. He liked my "hay-ur" every time, whether it was, up, down, styled, natural, attractive, or unattractive. Gradually, I realized that Hank liked everyone's hair, as I heard them receive the same compliments.

I figured out that he had some semblance of a schedule. I learned to do a drive-by of the entrances to pick which one I'd go into if I wasn't particularly in the mood for his praise. If I made it to Publix before four o'clock, he was nowhere to be seen. Afterwards, he'd appear, doing nothing more than complimenting the various 'dos he saw passing him.

It therefore amused me greatly when I was paused, the other day, at a red light. This particular intersection happened to put me right next to the Publix plaza, and I couldn't help a startled laugh as I recognized a familiar figure whirring his way across the street in his cart. I looked at the clock. 3:56. Right on schedule.


Ride on, Hank. Ride on.


Jenuinely yours,
Jen

Commercial Appeal

Television is a favorite pastime of mine. I watch a lot of it. From old sitcoms (Frasier, Golden Girls, Friends, Reba) to dramas (Desperate Housewives, The O.C., One Tree Hill), to game shows, to the Disney Channel, to Lifetime, to... well this list is getting pretty long. Suffice to say, the only things that I don't watch are "Serious Things." In fact, when I was asked within the Human For Sale quiz how much T.V. I watched, I was forced to admit to myself that it was "excessive."

Now, because I watch so much television, I also watch commercials. I have a deep love for Billy Mays and OxiClean. We've gotten to be buddies as I sit on my couch and he shouts at me about the wonder of OxiClean and Orange Glo. I adore the Sham-Wow! man. I purchased a Strap-perfect, and it is one my deepest desires to own a Caulk Pro (I have no idea why, I just feel like it would make me happy every time I looked at the grout in my shower). There are certain commercials that I love and will stop whatever I'm doing to watch them. A prime example is the latest Minute Maid commercial:



Now, that commercial is hilarious. However, I won't lie and say that I love them all. The latest Father's Day commercial from Hallmark really irritates me.




Yay, Charlie. That card was so amazing that we must all now dance and cheer for you. Your mother picked out a card for you, probably helped you record it, and didn't bother to correct your grammar.

Dear Charlie's Momma, for future reference, "perfectest" is NOT a word. And maybe you should have just recorded it for him because it's beyond me how Dad could even tell what he's saying. I had to go to the internet to figure this one out.

And the award for the commercial that earns my undying odium more than any of the rest goes to Nutrisystem and Jillian Barberie. Congratulations.



Thanks, Jillian. Because when I make eye contact with someone and they gently lob me a football, I can't catch-it. In fact, I have absolutely no hand-eye coordination at all.

"How many girls can do that?"

Unless they are struck blind... then most of them.

Jenuinely yours,
Jen

"Humans, Getchyer humans!"

Have you ever comforted a friend with the expression: "He's not worth it?" Do you ever feel a supreme sense of self-worth?

Have you ever wondered just exactly how much someone is worth?

Well, thanks to a mildly entertaining website a friend told me about the other day, you can now find out!

Humanforsale.com will tell you, down to the dollar, how much someone is worth.

But be careful, for it does come with risks. As one friend of mine said, "I feel at minimum that I'm worth 3 million dollars and if it tells me something else, I'm going to be devastated." It's a good thing I don't share his mindset. I'm only worth $2,580,030.

So, watch those self-confidence levels... and have at it!


Jenuinely yours,
Jen

Narration Nation

I've been narrating lately.

This is something that I think I did a lot my junior and senior years of high school, back in the days when I did a lot of writing. I don't do it out loud... that would earn me strange looks and/or a beating like Peter gets from Lois. Especially if I spoke some of my sometimes insulting thoughts...



But it lends a sense of power to my otherwise mediocre day. "I got up and peed" sounds so boring. "Jennifer Ashley" (yes, that's right, I subconsciously middle-name myself. I sound more important as "Jennifer Ashley" than as "Jen"). "Jennifer Ashley rose from the couch and lengthened her spine-- like a cat stretching after a particularly restful nap. She absently shook her foot, pins and needles racing up it. She rotated her head, scratched at her side and made her way to the bathroom to relieve the pressing ache in her bladder." It just sounds so much more important.

I hope I don't start to think out loud like this. That might be embarassing.

Jenuinely yours,
Jen

Preschool Pariahs

Let me start this with a disclaimer:

I like kids. Really. I do. I’ve been a camp counselor, volunteer, baby-sitter, coach… I could honestly keep going but the list gets long. I hope to have a couple little tots of my very own one day.

That said, I want to talk about my growing hatred for my neighbor’s children.

Dear supposedly responsible parents:

I understand that your husband (or wife, I’m not gender-biased here) probably has a job and you are stuck at home with your bundles of joy turned holy terrors all day long. I understand that they probably wake you at all hours of the night: “Mommy, my tummy hurts,” “Daddy, I want a drink of water,” “There’s a monster in my closet,” “There a noise under my bed.” I’m sorry for that too. I’m sure that you, through no fault of your own, are forced to awaken around seven or eight o’clock in the morning and deal with the little barbarians.

But let me explain something to you. While you tucked your little ones into bed at nine last night, stayed up one hour longer and then retired for the evening yourself, I was awake. I was studying. I was writing, reading, taking quizzes, tests... the point is I was being a good student. It's hard! And often lasts until the wee hours of the morning. So, by the time, I fall into bed at two or three, your sweethearts are going to be waking you up in about four hours.

I admire you for getting out of bed then. Really, I marvel at your strength. But when, at 8:30 in the morning, you let them out onto your patio for a little rest for yourself... guess what? Now they're my problem. Now, I'm the one shoving a pillow over my ears as her blood-curdling screams and his unholy cackles fill the air and make it into my upstairs bedroom. Seriously, what are they doing out there because these aren't any little shrieks of surprise?! I'm talking a full-on, "Mommy-Bobby-tripped-over-a-rusty-rake-it-went-into-his-tummy-and-now-there's-blood-everywhere" kind of terrified scream.

I'm reasonable. I understand that you need your breaks. But I need my sleep.

So, as a compromise, I suggest this:

Think about it.

Jenuinely yours,
Jen

Independence Day

I've often wondered, from my freshman year on, what college life is like for people who aren't in fraternities and sororities... the often referred to "GDIs."

For me, my entire college social life has been wrapped up in the Greek system. I have had little brothers, little sisters, bigs, and siblings. I parade around campus every Wednesday in my jersey. I live with sisters and have made some of the best friends I will ever have in Greek organizations. I will spend hours shopping for a themed party or social, or a formal dress (and please don't tell me other girls don't spend hours shopping... let's be realistic), and if I can't find anything or am strapped for cash, hey, I'll just send out a message to all 150 of my sisters to see who can lend me something. No biggie.

But while talking to a friend (aka the little bro), we started wondering how different and similar our college experiences were to theirs.

Sure, I'm sure they go out, drink, study, just the same as we do. But do they attend themed parties on a regular basis? Do they have any formal events... ever? How about the trends? Do they ever "frat it up?" When they see a tan, skinny, blonde-and-straight-haired girl with a Panhellenic Poof in said hair, Sperrys on her feet, and Vera on her back, do they know, as I do, that she must be in a sorority?

I guess the thing that is most difficult to understand for me is where they make their friends? Where do they get their potential dating interests? I know that as a proud sorority girl, I shouldn't be perpetuating the stereotype of Greeks as people who pay for their friends, but in a way, we are. Joining a Greek organization doesn't guarantee that you'll get friends, but it's definitely an effective way to make friends. When you first join, everyone's trying to get to know you and you try to get to know them. They bring you around different fraternities and you make friends there too. They've got a vested interest in you. I've never made a friend in class, nor in any other on campus clubs I'm in. I can't imagine dating someone from a job. Would a GDI think it's weird that I think that?

I don't really know how a different kind of college experience works, but I know that for me, being a Greek was a fit. I have more friends than I know what to do with, and I have something to do most of the time.

Jenuinely yours,
Jen

Edit: Several people have commented basically saying that I'm attacking the GDIs. Independents. Whatever you want to call them. Sorry if that gives off that impression. Please note that this post is all about me wondering. This is what parts of my life are like. It's not an attack on yours, it's wondering how yours works because it's not something I've experienced.

Feeling Jenial (I think this makes 5 name puns now)

I'm totally stealing this idea from another blog:

5 little things that make me happy right now:

1. Cheap, brightly-colored, birthday wrapping paper. It's my best friend's 21st birthday tonight at midnight and I have her present wrapped and sitting in my living room. I got the paper at the Dollar Tree, and it's covered in stars, wavy patterns, the words "Happy Birthday" and bright colors. I can't stop smiling when I look at it

2. Doing well on my diet. Ok, so I know that Weight Watchers' slogan is "Stop Dieting, Start Living," so they'd probably hate that I referred to it as such, but that's basically what I think of it as. I've done it before and gone from a size 7, to a size 3, where I was happiest, but I've slipped back to a 5, which isn't bad, but I'm also not as happy with my body as I was. I'm really proud of how well I'm doing so far.

3. I'm entertained because as I was writing this, a Weight Watchers commercial came on. I love little coincidences like that.

4. My room is slowly getting in order. So far, today I've taken all of the trash out of it, and the recyclables (20 empty water bottles, can you believe that?), washed my sheets, gotten the empty cups into the dishwasher, and sorted my clean clothes into piles depending on which drawer they belong in. Just have to put the rest of the clothes away!

5. Matthew Mcconaughey shirtless. I really don't think this one needs an explanation.

Jenuinely yours,
Jen